


Mistakes

by DearLazerBunny



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 04:08:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16468415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearLazerBunny/pseuds/DearLazerBunny
Summary: Written for anon, who requested an angsty breakup and drunk Kylo. Anon- let me know if you like it, or if you’d like me to give it another shot! I’m still building my angst muscles, and I want it to be exactly what you want : )





	Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Rated M for suicidal intent

From the way Kylo stalked out of the meeting room, you could tell it hadn’t gone well. You had conveniently positioned yourself at a station just outside the door so you could catch him right after he got out- meetings with Hux generally required a little emotional management afterwards, and you were the only person who ever seemed to be able to calm him down. So you stood at a terminal pretending to press buttons and waited for the inevitable explosions.

There weren’t any, thank god- just a clearly seething boyfriend who even with his mask on looked about two seconds away from Force-choking the next person in his path. You subtly slipped away from the station and positioned yourself in Kylo’s line of sight. When you were sure he saw you, you aimed for the nearest storage closet and shut the door behind you.

A few minutes later, he followed, shutting the door so hard it rattled the shelves behind you. His breathing was heavy, and you waited a few moments before carefully reaching up and finding the release buttons on his helmet, removing it and setting it on the floor beside you. His face was red, his hair wild, and you’d only seen a similar look in his eyes when he got a little too angry and threatened to go find Hux and stab him right then and there. (You’d talked him out of that one too).

“Hey. You okay?”

He stares intently at something past your shoulder like he might set it on fire through his gaze alone. “Hey. Look at me.” You tap his jaw with a finger, forcing him to make eye contact with you. “What’d General Horrible do this time?”

Usually that gets you at least a smirk, but he’s uncharacteristically quiet. Okay, so something really bad then. You try to take his hand but he yanks it away, stooping to retrieve his mask and replace it over his stony face. “I’m fine,” comes through the synthesizer, cold and impersonal. And he’s gone a second later, door swinging shut with a certain finality. You’re left watching his retreating form through the porthole. Well, that didn’t bode well.

You swapped night shifts with a friend so you could go visit Kylo instead. Making your way down the hallways, you flipped back and forth between going on the offensive (asking him to talk) or just letting him sit in silence with you curled up on the bed. Probably best to judge his mood and then decide. You key in his passcode and let the door slide open.

You’re met with his saber glowing at your throat and you throw up your hands, eyes wide. “Kylo, it’s me, stars! Put that thing away!” He holds it a few more seconds before disengaging and letting it clunk to the floor. So unlike him, this thing is his pride and joy. He wanders to the other side of the room, running his hands through his hair and tugging at the ends, and you carefully pick up the saber by the hilt and place it on the bed. “Such a warm welcome,” you joke, taking a seat on the black silk sheets. “If only everyone greeted me like they wanted to kill me.”

“What are you doing here?”

The ice in his tone takes you aback. “Um… I just thought I’d come see if you were okay. You seemed pretty pissed earlier, so I figured-”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“I- what now? Last I checked you’re the one who gave me the code.”

“A mistake.”

“A mistake?” You stand. Suddenly the bed isn’t so comfortable. “What do you mean by that…?”

“You heard what I said.” He turns on you like you’re a Resistance member standing in his way. “It was a _mistake_.”

“I- Kylo-”

“No. Shut up.” He’s pacing now, back and forth. You wouldn’t be surprised if his footsteps are heard on the floor below. “I need to think.”

“Excuse me? You don’t just get to tell me to shut up, Kylo-!”

“I said shut up!” All of a sudden you’re slammed up against the wall behind you, back to steel such a sudden shock you sink to the ground, head pounding. Kylo’s hand is outstretched in your direction. You’re too busy seeing red to notice the terrified expression on his face.

“What the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing?” You stand on shaky legs, using the wall to support yourself. “If you don’t want me here, say so! Use your words, Kylo, don’t hide behind your stupid Force powers!”

He walks up slowly until he’s towering over you. “I don’t want you here. Leave. Now.”

“No.” He steps back, shocked, and you get right back up in his face. “Tell me what’s going on, for god’s sake! You can’t just get rid of me that easily, Kylo!”

“Yes, I can. We’re through.”

Time seems to stop. “We- what?”

“Do I need to repeat myself?”

“Yeah… yeah I think you might have to.” You carefully step back out of his space. “Is that really what you want?”

“Yes! How many times do I have to say it!”

“But- why? What did I do wrong? What did I-”

“Out!” You’re being pushed towards the door by an invisible hand, and despite the door being pneumatic, it slams behind you. Standing in the cold hallway, you feel like you’re going numb. It’s a long trek back to your own quarters, and all you can hear is his words echoing through your head. We’re through. We’re through. We’re through.

Sitting down on your bed, you pull your knees up to your chest, trying to find something to hold on to. Reality starts to sink in. You were… done. Over. No more Kylo and you. No more Kylo.

And it didn’t feel like there’d be any more you, either.

…..

You took a few days off from work, unable to do much other than sit in your bed and cry. Luckily, once you explained what had happened in as few words as possible, the other nurses were more than happy to cover a few of your shifts. Those few days were hell though, with nothing to distract you but your own thoughts. You kept seeing the good- the first time you’d made him laugh, when he confessed his feelings, that first kiss- only for the illusion to be shattered by the fury you’d witnessed that night. I don’t want you here. We’re through. The words kept cycling through your head over and over again, with a fresh wave of tears coming forth at every round of memories.

But you couldn’t wallow in this forever. Much as you wanted to. So you pulled yourself together- took a shower for the first time in days, put on clean clothes as opposed to your tear-soaked pajamas, pulled your hair back, and went to work.

And was promptly met with another nightmare.

The entire staff was running around ragged, dealing with an apparent rapid influx of patients. There were no rooms left, and patients lined the hallways on cots, most of them moaning in pain. It was something out of a horror movie, and in your current emotional state, you wanted to run away screaming. But instead, you rolled up your sleeves, snapped on some gloves, and went to report to your supervisor.

“Y/N.” She looks up from her desk, looking absolutely haggard. “Thank god. We need everyone we’ve got.”

“What’s been going on? Some kind of virus?”

She looks at you strangely- and maybe a touch sympathetically- before her pager beeps and she sighs. “Walk with me.” You so do, through the rows of patients, as she collects vials of painkiller and seemingly distributes it to every single person on the floor. You wanted to ask what she was doing, until you noticed that every patient had bandages around their arms, torso- one even on their neck. With several, blood was slowly leaking through the white covering, and a few uses were changing bandages right there in the hallway. Curious, you subtly looked over one shoulder, trying to categorize the wound. What you saw made your heart stop.

Light saber burns and slashes.

You hurried back over to your supervisor, who was busy pushing toradol into someone’s IV. “Are they all…?”

“Light saber,” she confirmed. “All 15 of them. And we’ve got more coming, I’m sure.”

_Oh, god. Kylo. What the hell are you doing?_

She looks at you with stern eyes. “Look, Y/N, normally it’s none of my business, and I stay out of my staff’s personal lives. But this has got to stop. Can you talk to him? I know you’re world famous for managing his moods.’

All at once, tears begin to form in your eyes, and you hug your waist, blinking rapidly to try and clear them before they fall. “Um- no. That wouldn’t be such a good idea.”

“Y/N, I know it must be scary as hell, but if it keeps up at this rate, half the base is going to be missing an arm before the month is up.”

“We- we’re not-” to your horror, a few tears escape and slide down your cheeks. Stars, you were so sick of crying. You take a deep breath.  “I’m afraid that won’t be possible, ma’am. I’m sorry.” Your voice catches on the last word, but you try to hide it with a cough.

One look tells you your supervisor now knows exactly what’s going on, and you hate the pity that crawls across her face. “I see.” She sighs, dropping the patient’s IV tubing. “Well, go check on your roster then. Keep your head up, we don’t have time to be introspective right now.”

You grab a few vials of medication from her hand and flee, trying to wipe your eyes as subtly as possible.

……

“No, no- stop!” You toss and turn, trying to shove Kylo away from you. “Stop it! Stop saying that!” Heaving, you sit up in bed, almost hitting your head against the top of your bunk. Salt has worked its way down your cheeks and it stings a cut on your lip. You must have bitten it in your sleep. Damn him. You wipe your eyes and turn your damp pillow over to a dry side, throwing your head down onto it. Damn him, damn him, damn him. It’s been a month and he’s still in your head. Only when you shove the blankets off you in frustration do you notice the banging on your door, loud and obnoxious against the steel. You check the clock- 4AM. And you’re sure it’s not your shift. Doing a quick check to make sure your eyes aren’t too red, you throw on a t-shirt and put your hand to the scanner to open the door-

And promptly get knocked to the floor underneath a hulking mass of black.

“What the fuck- Kylo?” You scramble out from underneath him, which is kind of hard when your leg is pinned underneath his torso. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Y/N.” He looks up at you from his spot on the floor, face to the ceiling. “Hi.”

“Um- hi?” Carefully, you skirt to the edge of the room, leaving him in the center of the room. “What- what are you doing?”

“I needed to talk to you.”

“So you do it by breaking down my door? I’m not even on shift, go get one of the other nurses to help you.”

“Not about that.” He shakes his head like a dog, sending his curls flying everywhere. “About us.”

“Us.” At one simple word, the tears you’d banished from your nightmare threaten to spill over once again. “There is no us. You ended that. Remember?”

“Unfortunately.” He closes his eyes into a squint. “And I- I meant- I mean-”

“Kylo.” You inch a bit closer, taking in his disheveled clothes and the tremor in his voice. “Are you… drunk?”

“Um.” He pauses, like he’s thinking. “Very.”

“Jesus- get out, Kylo. I don’t want you here.” Those same words echo in your head in his icy tone and it hurts your heart to say them.

“No- no, Y/N, please, listen-”

“Listen to what? How much you hate me? How much you never want to see me again? I get enough of that in my nightmares. Just get your ass off the floor and leave.”

He stands shakily, using you bed for support, but collapses back down onto his knees, looking for all the world like he’s begging for you right in front of your face. “Please, Y/N. I made such a big mistake. You have to take me back.” He’s crying now, pleading like he’s bargaining for his life.

“I don’t have to do anything. And I definitely don’t want to listen to this when you’re the one who broke up with me, without telling me why.” You pause, and cross your arms. “Will you tell me why now?”

He stutters. “I- I can’t-”

“Then go. Just get out.” You walk around him, head high, and open the door, pointing at the open way for all you’re worth. “Now  It’s my turn to kick you out.”

“Y/N-”

“Oh, and for the love of god, stop attacking people with that stupid saber of yours! They don’t deserve that, Kylo!”

“Maybe they do.”

“Maybe _you_ do.” The words come out harsh, and for an instant you regret them, but at this point you just want him to leave. “Now _get. Out.”_

He picks himself up off the floor, silent tears still crawling down his face. God, how you wanted to kiss those tears away. Hold him, and tell him everything will be alright, just like you had so many times before. But you hold your ground, even when he looks at you so sorrowfully you feel like your heart is being ripped out of its chest. The door closes behind him, and for one moment everything is still.

Then the sobs wrack your body so powerfully they drive you to your knees, holding yourself for everything you’re worth as the ache spreads through your body.

…..        

“Heads up, we’ve got one coming in. All hands on deck.”

You nod and put your other patient’s clipboard down and pull on a fresh set of gloves while a few other nurses jog over.“What’ve we got?”

Your supervisor scans her digipad. “twenty nine year old male, unconscious for unknown reasons-” she stops abruptly. Looks up at you. “Y/N. Go take your break.”

“What? You just said all hands on deck-”

“You heard what I said-” she’s interrupted by the bay doors bursting open, a man laid out on a gurney between two paramedics. You barely have time to glance at the patient before he’s wheeled into a private room, but you’d know that face anywhere.

Kylo.

“Look, I don’t have time to argue with you. If you can be objective, get an IV started. If not, stay out of the room. Do you understand?”

You nod, stunned, but your body automatically grabs an IV cart and heads into the room on muscle memory alone. He’s laid out, pale and clammy, with disheveled hair and deep purple rings under his eyes. Blankets are covering most of his body, but you can imagine the rest of him doesn’t look much better. As you fumble for his left arm, you can’t help but notice bloody scratches covering the palm of his hand, like he’s been digging his nails into his own skin.

You carefully push back his sleeve and stick a vein, starting fluids and whatever else some nurse had just handed you, pushing it into the line as quickly as you could. “What happened?”

“He didn’t show up for a meeting, and when someone went to get him they found him collapsed in his quarters.” Her tone was carefully neutral as she read off the specs, and you tried to push the ever increasing panic out of your head as she continued. “Heart rhythm is shaky, and he’s unresponsive to tests.”

“Preliminary theories?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “Get some blood tests in, then we’ll know more for sure.”

You nod and start collecting, thoughts racing as fast as the blood spilling into the vials.

_Kylo. What happened to you?_

“Y/N.” You look up from your shaky hands to see another nurse standing over your hunched form. “Normally I wouldn’t do this, but… I figured you might want to see.” She hands over a chart and you scan it quickly, wondering why she’d hand it to you-

It’s Kylo’s.

Instantly, you’re devouring it, rapidly scanning every piece of information. His counts are low all across the board and he’s definitely dehydrated, but other than that everything seems normal…? Oh. Your eyebrows raise when you get to his blood alcohol levels. “So he’s-”

“Drunk off his ass? Yeah.” You give her a look and she softens. “Look, I just figured you’d want to know there’s nothing seriously wrong with him. He blacked out. Anyone would with that much alcohol in their system. He’ll be fine, though.”

You nod at her. “Thank you.”

She shrugs her shoulders and walks away to another patient, leaving you with your thoughts. _Drunk_? Kylo never drank. He hated the stuff. On the rare occasion you’d smuggled some wine into his room he barely had a sip while you got tipsy. Other than that one night… Sighing to yourself, you stand and brush off your scrubs, then aim for the main hallway, heading where you never wanted to go in the first place. His room.

It’s dark and quiet. Since the diagnosis was made, the code was called off, and everyone has mostly left him alone other than to refill his fluids. You scrape a chair up to the side of his bed and sit heavily, elbows on your knees and head in your hands. You can’t stand to see him like this. He looks too vulnerable, too quiet. The commanding presence you fell in love with is completely gone, rubbed away by the pallor of his skin and his uncharacteristic stillness.

Suddenly, he stirs. First his head, back and forth, frizzing his curls onto the pillow, then the arm hooked into the IV, clearly feeling the sting of it. Before even opening his eyes, he’s already reaching to pull it out, and you do the only thing you can think of- stopping his hand with your own, grabbing his wrist before he can hurt himself further.

His eyes open, focusing on your hand hovering his in midair. Then to you. He takes you in with dark eyes, roaming over your face until he’s satisfied that it’s you and not a threat. Slowly, you release his arm  and he lets it fall back to the bed like the fight has gone out of him.

“Y/N.” His voice is rough, like it hasn’t been used in days.

“Kylo.” You stand. “I’m was just here to make sure you didn’t pull out your IV.” A lie, but he doesn’t need to know that. “I’ll notify someone that you’re awake-”

“Wait.” As you turn to walk away, he grabs your own wrist. His grip is so weak you barely feel it, but it’s more than just his hand keeping you rooted in place. “Please. Stay.”

“I don’t know why you’d want me to.” You try not to let emotion color your voice. “You made it very clear you don’t want to see me.”

“I-”

“What, Kylo?” You finally explode, kicking your chair away from his bed and taking its spot, wrenching your hand from his. “What could you possibly have to say to me after three months of nothing?”

“I tried-”

“You tried when you were so drunk you couldn’t get off my floor, Kylo. I’d hardly say that counts.”

He closes his eyes. “I wanted to die.”

That stops you cold. Even your heart feels  like it stops for a beat or two. “Want?”

“I tried to drink myself to death.” He laughs bitterly, then coughs. “Guess that didn’t work out too well.”

“They found you unconscious in your quarters.”

“Damnit.” He swears with a weary resignation.

“You-” It’s just starting to sink in. “You wanted to kill yourself.”

“Have for about a month now.” The hollowness of his voice breaks your heart in half.

“Why…?”

“Because you were gone,” he rasps. “And you’re the only thing that keeps the monsters away.”

“You left me, Kylo.” Now it’s your turn to be bitter. “It’s not my fault.”

“I didn’t want to-”

“You sounded pretty damn sure!”

“Hux threatened you.”

“He- he what now?”

“Hux. Threatened you. Or, me. Both of us? I can’t-” He coughs again, this time wracking his body until he’s curled into the bed, wincing with every breath. “I can’t think.”

Slowly, you pull the chair back to his bedside- not too close- and sit back down. “Kylo. Tell me everything.”

“He wanted you reassigned. He said you were- a distraction. That you had to go. So I thought- if I cut you off, maybe he would let you stay.

I was so scared,” he whispered. “I couldn’t lose you. But if I didn’t- you’d be gone forever. I had to keep you close. So-”

“-you broke up with me,” you finish.

Tears begin leaking from his tightly closed eyes, as if he’s in pain. “I never wanted to. I never- stars, Y/N, you’re the only good thing in my life, and I-”

“Kylo.” You reach out and cover a hand with your own and he grasps it like he’s drowning. “Why didn’t you just tell me? I could have-”

“Too big a risk. Couldn’t— take the chance.”

“So you decided to kill yourself.” Your voice is thick with tears.

“I couldn’t bear what I did to you. I heard you crying every night in your sleep,” he confesses, voice still soft as a whisper. “I hurt you so badly.”

“That doesn’t mean you get to hurt yourself, Kylo!” A scared anger pours out of you as you turn his palm over to reveal scars and still-healing wounds. “If anything happened to you I’d-”

“I didn’t think you’d care.”

“Of course I care you idiot!” The tears are falling down your cheeks now, and he shakily reaches up to wipe them away, only causing more to fall. “I still love you! I never stopped. And you are not allowed to hurt yourself, or god forbid-” you choke up, unable to finish your sentence. “Please, Kylo. For me,” you beg. “Don’t do this again.”

“I won’t. Now that I know- you love me.” He looks at you. “It’s something to live for.”

Sobbing, you fling yourself onto his chest, clutching him like it’s the last time you’ll ever get to do so. He sits up and pulls you into his arms, wrapping them around you and holding tight, riding through the storm. “Please don’t leave me,” you whisper, and his tone matches your own when he replies,

“Not ever. Not ever again.”


End file.
